Rethinking Praise: Practical Strategies for Toileting Support
Practical Toolkit for Families and Professionals, Downloadable PDF
This handout can be used as a communication tool to share with all caregivers involved in your young person’s care, helping everyone provide consistent support when rethinking how praise is used during toileting. Consistent messages across all environments can make the learning process smoother and more effective.
I’d also like to thank the nursery staff who explored this idea with me at a recent education event. The following is inspired by that discussion.
Introduction
Praise might seem like a small detail, but it’s one of the most frequent ways we communicate with young people. And this is true during toileting. How we use praise can shape their confidence, sense of autonomy and even their emotional response to toileting. Therefore, it’s worth rethinking the words we choose and the messages they send.
Learning More About Praise
Research suggests that the impact of praise on intrinsic motivation is more complex than a simple ‘praise is good’ or ‘praise is bad.’ Researchers like Henderlong and Lepper (2002) emphasize that praise can enhance, undermine, or have little effect on motivation depending on how it’s delivered and interpreted. Praise is most likely to support motivation when it
Feels sincere
Encourages young people to connect their success to their own effort and strategies
Promotes autonomy
Builds competence without unhealthy comparisons to others and
Conveys clear, achievable expectations
Praise itself isn’t harmful, but how, when and why we use it can make a difference. When it comes to toileting, the goal is to help young people build confidence and a sense of ownership over their bodies and skills. For those who are needing our support, it may be worth considering the way we offer praise.
Image from Canva, by View more by Africa images
Every young person is different, and what feels supportive for one might not work for another. The following ideas offer a range of approaches so you can find what best fits your young person’s personality, communication style and individual needs.
Rethinking Praise: Practical Strategies
1. Language Swaps: From Praise to Process-Focused Feedback
These shifts in wording help highlight effort, body awareness and autonomy instead of external approval.
Swap “Good job!” for:
“You noticed your body needed the toilet, well done listening to yourself.”
“You remembered to sit down when you felt the urge. That’s great awareness.”
Swap “I’m so proud of you” for:
“How do you feel about how that went?”
“What are you proud of yourself for today?”
Use neutral observations: Just facts, no judgement or praise layered on
“You went to the toilet when you needed to.”
“You flushed the toilet and washed your hands.”
2. Encouraging Self-Reflection and Internal Pride
These strategies build a habit of self-evaluation, helping young people recognise their own progress and feelings.
Ask open-ended questions:
“What helped you remember to go just now?”
“What do you think worked well that time?”
Prompt self-recognition:
“What are you most proud of yourself for today?”
Model self-talk:
“I remembered to drink water so my body stays comfortable.”
3. Focusing on Effort and Problem-Solving
These approaches show that trying, learning, and adjusting are just as important as getting it ‘right.’
Acknowledge the process, not just success:
“I saw you tried sitting on the toilet even though it felt tricky today. You’re figuring out what works for your body.”
Celebrate persistence:
“You tried a new way to sit to feel steady, great thinking.”
“I see how hard you’re trying to use the toilet.”
4. Linking Actions to Natural Consequences
This helps young people see the real-world benefits of toileting, rather than seeking adult approval.
Use functional feedback:
“You went to the toilet, so now your body feels comfortable and ready to play again.”
Celebrate progress through experience:
“Your dry clothes help you stay comfy.”
5. Encouraging Autonomy and Ownership
Giving young people some control fosters a sense of competence and confidence.
Offer choices:
“Do you want to use the upstairs toilet or the downstairs one?”
“Would you like me to stay with you or wait outside?”
“Would you like to set a timer reminder for when you want to consider using the toilet next?”
Involve them in their own routines:
“Let’s make a checklist together. What do you want to remember when you go to the toilet?”
6. Creating Shared Celebration (Without Rewards)
If you want to mark progress, focus on social connection rather than external rewards.
Shared reflection moments:
“That was a big step for you today, should we tell your teddy together?”
Storytelling and shared pride:
“I wonder if you’ll want to tell Grandma later about how you figured out sitting comfortably today.”
Rethinking Praise for PDAers
PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy
When supporting PDAers, it’s essential to approach praise with sensitivity and awareness of how they may perceive it. For these young people, praise can sometimes backfire.
Praise can feel like a demand:
A child who is praised for toileting might feel pressured to meet that expectation every time, which can be overwhelming or even counterproductive.
Risk of feeling patronised: Over-enthusiastic or excessive praise may come across as insincere or patronising, especially for older children or teens.
Thank you for learning about the community,
Laura Hellfeld
RN, MSN, PHN, CNL
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Reference
Henderlong, J., & Lepper, M. R. (2002). The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin, 128(5), 774–795. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.128.5.774
I really like the point of it being process based feedback. The ramifications of this approach are important since they will help with other areas too! You've got me thinking! 🤔