PDA and Play: Power, Pretend, and Pushing Back Against Norms
Play for PDAers is a powerful, meaningful way to connect with the world on their own terms. It's a space where demands reduce, control returns to them, and they can connect to their vivid inner worlds. For many PDAers, play is essential. It's a way of having fun, a coping strategy, an expression of autonomy and a source of deep joy.
PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy
Please note that all people, including PDAers, are different and so this is not a comprehensive or tick-box list.
Image from Canva by PaulMichaelHughes from Getty Images
You may also be interested in my blogs on PDA such as ‘Demanding Respect from PDAers in the School Setting: Why Hierarchy Backfires & What Builds True Connection Instead‘,‘PDAers and Compliance: Understanding the Real Challenge' and 'PDA Signposting: A Growing List‘
Imagination That Knows No Bounds
PDAers often have rich, expansive imaginations. They can build parallel lives in their heads and live them out with exquisite detail. This may be while pretending to be a cat, a Jedi, a dragon trainer, or a teacher running their own classroom. This kind of play is immersive and often ongoing. You might catch a PDAer whispering to themselves, narrating a scene. And this storyline may continue for days, weeks or even months.
Many PDAers are deeply drawn to fandoms within sci-fi and fantasy universes, comic books, graphic novels and games. These are spaces that invite difference and creativity. They show us worlds where anyone can be anything. That speaks to PDAers, belonging without bending themselves into someone else’s mold.
Image from Canva by PaulMichaelHughes from Getty Images
Cats, Control, and Character Play
Take 'cat culture,' for example. It’s common for PDAers to take on animal personas, especially cats, and expect others to interact with them accordingly. It’s often empowering and a meaningful form of connection or communication. Playing as a cat might be the best way someone can show up in a social situation that would otherwise feel overwhelming. It’s a way of being both seen and safe.
PDAers also love playing roles that give them the upper hand like parents, teachers, babysitters and business owners. These characters come with a sense of control. And for PDAers, who often feel flooded by the demands of everyday life, that role-reversal can feel stabilising.
Playing Against the Norm
Many PDAers are drawn to what others label as 'scary' or 'weird.' They might collect horror-themed toys, draw frightful characters, or create alternative stories that explore darker themes. It often comes from a place of curiosity, self-expression and processing.
Another reason PDAers may be drawn to these themes is that it can feel fun or even empowering to push back against social expectations. Choosing the unusual, the eerie, or the unconventional can be a way of asserting autonomy in a world that often feels overly controlled or performative.
Play as Autonomy
At its core, play for PDAers is about autonomy. It’s a chance to set the rules and to be in charge. They can exist in a world where they don’t feel pressured to comply or conform. When the world feels like too much - too demanding, too full of expectations - play is a lifeline.
So when you see a PDAer immersed in an imaginary world, narrating a story, or pretending to be a cat or a space captain, lean in. Let them lead. Respect the world they’ve built.
Thank you for learning about the community,
Laura Hellfeld
RN, MSN, PHN, CNL
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Disclaimer: The information shared in this blog is for informational purposes only and is not intended to replace medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult a licensed healthcare provider for personalised support and care tailored to your specific needs.
References and Resources
Getting to Know More About PDAers: The Less Discussed Characteristics, Blog
PDAers and Compliance: Understanding the Real Challenge, Blog
Distress Language: How to Tune into What Your Child Can’t Say, Blog
How to Get them to Eat: Rethinking Some Traditional Parenting Strategies, Blog
Gabby’s Glimmers: An Affirming Story of an Autistic Child and their Favourite Food
I think this is why our PDAer loves Dungeons & Dragons - lots of imagination and role playing involved! She's also written novels and creates animations :)
Thank you for writing this. It makes my daughter so seen and validated. She is often a teacher of a classroom for her dolls (we home educate!). She has a rich imagination with story lines that are ongoing for months. She is drawn to things that should seem scary to a 7 year so this is so insightful.