Believing Teens: What We Say Matters
A blog inspired by the 2025 Autistic Burnout Conference
As part of my presentation at the May 2025 Autistic Burnout Conference, titled Believing Teens: Beyond Exhaustion, I’ve been exploring how the words we use when speaking to Autistic teenagers can either build trust or cause harm. This blog is based on the conversations I’ve had with Autistic teens and their parents and carers. I asked them:
“What have you been told by others, including medical professionals, mental health support workers, and educators when you confided having a hard time and what would have been more helpful?”
What emerged was a powerful pattern. So often, the teens were met with skepticism, minimisation, or outright dismissal when they speak about their pain, overwhelm or identity. These moments can leave lasting damage. They teach young people that they are not credible witnesses to their own lives.
But the good news is that language can also be healing. Below are two lists. The first one shows examples of the dismissive phrases that were heard while the second shows validating phrases that the teens and their families said would have been more helpful. Phrases that would have fostered connection, safety and respect. Foundation pieces to begin looking at how to create meaningful support.
Image from Canva, by Nataliya Vaitkevich from Pexels
Dismissive Phrases Teens Heard
“You’re just being dramatic.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“This is just teenage behaviour.”
“You just want attention.”
“You’re overthinking it.”
“You’re too young to be stressed.”
“You need to toughen up.”
“You’re fine. You always bounce back.”
“You don’t look anxious/depressed/in pain.”
“You just need to try harder.”
“You’re lazy, not struggling.”
“That’s just puberty.”
“It’s all in your head.”
“Stop making excuses.”
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“You’re just being sensitive.”
“You’ll grow out of it.”
“You’re too smart to have that issue.”
“You’re just copying what you saw online.”
“Other kids have it worse.”
These phrases dismiss real experiences and can drive teens further into isolation and burnout. Even well-meaning adults can unintentionally cause harm when they default to these responses.
What We Can Say Instead
Here are the words that teens and families say would have helped. These validating phrases don’t require you to have all the answers. They just make room for trust.
Validating Phrases That Support Autistic Teens
“I believe you.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
“That sounds really hard. I’m here with you.”
“Your feelings are valid.”
“You don’t have to explain it perfectly for it to be real.”
“You know yourself best.”
“It makes sense that you’re feeling this way.”
“You’re not alone in this.”
“What do you need right now?”
“It’s okay to ask for help.”
“You don’t need to pretend you’re okay.”
“Let’s figure this out together.”
“I want to understand more, can you help me see what it’s like for you?”
“Your experience matters.”
“You deserve to be taken seriously.”
“It’s okay to rest.”
“You don’t have to fit anyone else’s idea of how you should be.”
“You’re not too much.”
“You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.”
Why It Matters
Believing teens is protective. Dismissal is a key contributor to autistic burnout, especially when young people mask their distress for years without being heard. Listening with curiosity and respect can literally change the course of someone’s life.
I’d like to give a heartfelt thank you to all of the young people and their parents and carers for sharing their experiences and insights with me.
Thank you for learning about the community,
Laura Hellfeld
RN, MSN, PHN, CNL
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Signposting and Resources:
Distress Language: How to Tune into What Your Child Can’t Say, Blog
Supporting Children and Young People Through Autistic Burnout (A Workbook For Parents Of Autistic Children), by Viv Dawes
Young, Autistic and Burnt Out, by Jodie Clarke
The Teenager’s Guide to Burnout: Finding the Road to Recovery, by Dr. Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker
My son just turned 13 last month so teenage years have officially started! I feel this in my bones and I think it's so important to show them we believe them and validate them. Teenager years can be confusing enough without additional familial pressures. Thanks for this Laura.